Running Chick

It’s been a rough couple of months for me. Losing Simon in November was hard, but then losing Spencer just two months later was devastating. For 16 years, it was just the three of us, then it was the two of us, now it’s just me. I did not anticipate how lonely I’d feel and how sad it would be to be here at home without them. People have been telling me that I should seek comfort through my memories, but at the moment my memories just make me sad.  And just about everything else, for that matter.

Grief is so hard. Just when I think I might be working my way out of it, something triggers a memory and my tears come again. There are 5 stages.  I’m clearly in stage 4, which is depression.  I imagine this is the stage where most people stay the longest and for me, it’s the hardest. There’s nothing anybody can say to me or do for me to make me feel better and there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better. Mostly, I just want to be left alone to deal with my feelings on my own terms.

I decided that I wanted to get something personal that would memorialize them and how much they meant to me. I custom ordered a necklace that just came today.

I think it turned out really nice and it makes me happy.

My life will never be the same without you. My heart is shattered.

Spencer

January 28,1995 ~ January 28, 2011

I Only Wanted You

Author unknown

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

“The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part”  (Tom Petty, The Waiting 1981)

We are still here. Spencer has not improved, I am still at home. The last time he threw up was about 12 hours ago, so I guess that’s an improvement. But he is not eating. I’ve tried enticing him with all sorts of his favorite foods – tuna, chicken, rice and all he does is give it a sniff and turn his head away.  A couple of times yesterday, I tried to put food in his mouth, and he did swallow it, but within 15 minutes he was throwing up. I decided just to stop that, so in essence, he hasn’t had a bite since Monday morning.  He is regularly drinking, but he’s still fairly dehydrated.

I talked to the vet today, she said that if he doesn’t want to eat, he’s not going to eat. Period. She wanted me to bring him in for a shot of B-12 and an appetite stimulant, which I did. She said that if it works, he should be looking for food tonight. She also gave me some new canned food and a high-calorie paste to try.

So, we wait. And I worry and I cry and I spent a lot of time laying on the floor by his basket stroking him. And he sleeps. Sometimes he purrs. Mostly he doesn’t. I’ve not been getting a lot of sleep. Any little noise wakes me up because I think it’s him moving around. Last night I slept on the couch because he didn’t want to come upstairs. I got on the scale this morning because my jeans were baggy. I’ve lost four pounds since Sunday. Stress is a bitch.

So is waiting.