Running Chick

15 years ago, on a dark and rainy night, you found me. Tonight, on this dark and rainy night, you told me to let you go.

Simon

March 21, 1995 ~ November 21, 2010

Simon.

I knew this was coming. It’s been rolling around sporadically in my head for months and more frequently over the last few weeks. These past few days, it’s consumed me.

He’s not well. We’ve been fighting the hyperthyroidism and renal failure valliantly for the last nine months.  They are winning.

I took him to the vet on Thursday and he was down 1 pound 2 ounces since the end of September. That’s an enourmous amount for a small cat in such a short period of time. When the vet tech said “wow”, my heart sank. I knew he had lost weight, but I had no idea how much.

The vet, she’s optimistic. She gave him a shot, called it their “Old Kitty Shot”, which is a mix of B12, some sort of appetite stimulant, and a few other things. It’s supposed to help. He got 150 ml of subcutaneous fluids because he was dehydrated. They showed me how to give administer fluids to him at home. This would involve an IV bag, IV tubes and a needle. The vet seemed to think this was perfectly do-able. I felt overwhelmed and scared.

I’ve been reading article after article (and going through box after box of tissues) about how to determine when is the right time to let go. The answer is based upon determining the quality of life. Is he happy? Does he have more good days than bad days? Is he eating and drinking? Is he interested in his surroundings?

He sleeps all day and when he is awake, he’s mostly unresponsive. He’s drinking, but not much.  Tonight I had to spoon feed him to get him eating. Baby food. Chicken flavor.

Guess what the answers are.

I talked to the vet today. She says we’ll re-evaluate after this weekend, but it’s pretty apparent what’s going to happen.

“By usurping nature’s role throughout the life of our pets, we must sometimes also accept its role in determining (and bringing about) the death of a pet. To accept this, we may also have to accept that, in some cases, the quality of life we’re really trying to protect is our own: That we’re allowing our pet to suffer out of a desire to avoid the anguish we know that we will experience when it dies. And that, ultimately, is the most unselfish act of love we can offer: To end a pet’s suffering, we must choose to accept our own.” Source

“Remember, your pet has looked to you for all of his needs throughout his lifetime, including food, shelter, love and affection, and freedom from pain. When her body is tired, diseased, or just worn out; when life is a great effort just to survive another day; when you know in your heart that you have done all you can reasonably do for her; then it is time for great courage and selflessness, time to provide that final rest and peace, time for reflecting on all the good times and joy you had together, time to let her go. You may feel all those other emotions, but you must not feel guilt, because you know in your heart you have done all you could have done and that your friend is now at peace. You have done the right thing at the right time.” Source

Last Christmas, my folks & Josh got me a Cannon Rebel XS DSLR camera. I lusted after it for months (seriously), but it was fairly expensive and I just couldn't pull the trigger on buying it. I came really close a couple of times when it went on sale in December, but then Josh kept on telling me that it would probably go on sale even more after Christmas, so I held off. I didn't really think anybody would buy it for me because it was outside of the "normal" Christmas spending range, so imagine my surprise when I opened up my gift and there it was. Then I realized how crazy I must have been making Josh with my "Hey! My camera came down $20, should I buy it? I'm buying it!" and I'm pretty sure he was afraid to leave me alone with my computer and credit card. See, I am not known for my patience when it comes to acquiring things. I want it, I buy it. No, I'm not waiting to see if Santa will bring it for me. No, I'm not waiting for my birthday. End of story.

I've taken hundreds, maybe thousands of pictures since last December and I've become painfully aware that I have no idea what I'm doing. This is not your typical point-and-shoot. There is a mode that essentially makes it a point-and-shoot, but what's the point of having all that camera if you're not going to use it? So, now I have to learn about things like aperture, ISO, shutter speed (aka the exposure triangle!), exposure and depth of field. And whether I need to shoot in aperture priority mode, shutter priority mode, or full manual mode to restrict noise, blurr or blown out photos. Huh? Yeah. Overwhelming.

And just when I think I'm making progress in understanding all this stuff, I learn that aperture measurements actually mean exactly the opposite of what common sense would tell you they mean. And my brain, well, it just turns to mush at this point because it seems so darn illogical.

But, I really love my camera. Even though I find that most of my pictures are underwhelming, which I'm okay with, once in a while I take one (i.e. get lucky) that makes me stop and think I may actually be doing something right.

Take this one, for instance. Josh's sister got married in July and his family asked me if I would take some candid photos. I wanted to get the "fly on the wall" aspect, so I picked up a telephoto lens (EF-S 55-250mm f/4.0-5.6 IS) and got this shot of Carrie's veil. I love everything about this picture – the white of the flowers, dress & veil against the darkness of the background, the details on the veil, the entire composition makes me go “ooh”.

Then there this one. There’s nothing particularly fascinating about this picture, but it’s a hot boy (in a tux!) in a hot car (Mercedes!) and I thought I’d throw it in here for the lady readers. Easy girls, he’s taken.

This one’s of my dad welding a trailer axle bracket in his shop. When I look at it in a larger size, the spot where the welding is happening makes my eyes hurt a little bit because it’s so bright. This picture was a complete accident and it’s just damn cool.

Finally, I like this one because it’s a little bit industrial, and a little bit dirty and gritty. I had to keep on messing around with the shutter speed in order to get those spark trails, but I finally got it right and I think they’re pretty sweet.

Today, I bought another lens to add to my collection. It’s a Canon 55mm f/1.8 fixed for portraits and close-ups (although it’s not a macro lens). I’m pretty excited about it because it’s inexpensive and it gets great reviews. Hopefully I’ll have some interesting photos to post in the weeks to come*. * don't count on it.