Running Chick

In a funk, that is. Because I'm not running. Tomorrow will be one week. Runners. I see them everywhere. On my trails. On my roads. On my route. Running like I should be. Where I should be. I find myself gazing at them longingly. Jealousy. What am I doing? Moping. Riding my bike. Lifting weights. Trying not to eat like a sumo wrestler because I don't end up looking like a sumo wrestler. I'm testing out a new saddle for the bike. The other one was causing some serious discomfort to my lady parts. The first ride in the tester was promising, lady parts were happier. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Started wearing the running shoes with the orthotics all the time. Maybe it'll help. Podiatrist has me taking another supplement called Bromelain. It's some pineapple extract thing that's supposed to help with inflammation and pain. Whatver. Appleton is 24 days away. I don't know if I'm running.

Running used to be such a great pleasure to me, but it's not anymore. It's become some sort of cruel lesson in pain management.

I'm tired of taking time off to rest. I'm tired of having to continually cut my schedule and my runs short. I'm tired of trying to figure how out I can cross-train enough to maintain my endurance. I'm tired of researching. I'm tired of tweaking. I'm tired of trying this and that and everything else. I'm tired of being consumed by it. Nothing is working.

Mentally, I just don't have it anymore.

And I think up until now I've been in denial.

Maybe if I cut my schedule back from four runs/week to three runs/week, I'll be better.

It's not.

Maybe if I cut my schedule back from three runs/week to two runs/week, I'll be better.

It's not.

Maybe if I don't run at all, it'll be better.

That's the reality that came crashing down on my head during my five mile run this afternoon. Only it didn't turn out to be five, it only turned out to be 3.5 because I just couldn't go any farther. I stopped and stood there feeling defeated and feeling like crying.

This injury. It's like a toothache that never goes away. Sometimes you can ignore it, other times you know it's there, but you can deal with it. And then, after a while, after it's gnawed it's way through the mental barrier you put up to protect against it, you just can't deal anymore and you feel like taking a pair of pliers and yanking the tooth out yourself.

Running is now all about pain. Fear. Anxiety. Confusion. Anger. Frustration. Dread.

I'm a tough chick. I can take a lot of pain and I can withstand a lot of mental challenges.

But this injury. It's broken me.

Or at least that’s what I thought around the two mile mark of my five mile run tonight.

Then, I felt a twinge in my left leg. 

Now, being a runner, I’m pretty accustomed to random twinges during my runs.  Sometimes I’ll get one during a stride and it’ll disappear in the next.  Sometimes it’ll stick around for several strides before fading away.  So, I’m not usually too bothered by them.

This was a different twinge.  It was accompanied by a burning, aching feeling that spread from my ankle to my lower calf.  It was a twinge with attitude.  Then, my hamstrings decided to tighten up and every step became a battle between me and my legs.  Immediately my hey-i-think-i’m-getting-better-because-there’s-no-pain run turned into a i-hate-my-legs, i-hate-running, why-does-this-always-happen-to-me, screw-this-I’m-just-going-to-sit-on-the-couch-and-get-fat self-loathing pity fest.

Somehow, through sheer will or sheer stupidity (with me, they seem to be interchangeable), I made it through the last three miles and I felt like crap afterward.  Not just physically but mentally.  My legs were throbbing and I was just disgusted with myself and running.

I think my big mistake in all this was running two days in a row.  But, I’ve been feeling pretty good the last few runs.  I’ve had minimal pain and my speed is starting to come back.  I’ve slowly started to incorporate uphills, downhills and pavement back into my routine and everything’s been okay.  However, I was only running three times a week with a day or two between runs.  So, I think running two days in a row was just too much for my disgruntled tendons and they let met know it in no uncertain terms.

I’ll take the next two days off then have an eight miler on the schedule for Saturday.  We’re going to be camping in Marquette, so I need to find some soft trails to run on because I don’t think my legs can handle any more pavement.

Last week’s totals:  13.04 miles @ 10:55

Unimpressive, to say the least.